It's about time!

Boy, oh, boy!  It is about danged time!!  I am bound and determined to do it..finally!  I will be skinny and healthy again!  

A little back story (okay, long)...when I met Cory it was February 20, 2006, and I weighed around 145..and wearing size 8...very tightly! I was very, VERY unhappy and self conscious about it.  I had always been between 120-135 and wore anywhere from a 4 to an 8, very comfortably, depending on the brand of clothing.  

Cory and I moved to Missouri that August.  Although I loved being near my oldest sister and somewhat closer to my parents who had moved back to Florida for the year, neither of us really loved it.  I started gaining weight..lots of it!  I was wearing size 10, and actually cried when I had to buy them!  (and I was about 170)  

We got married and moved back to Utah.  I started  losing some weight but then I found out I was pregnant.  I started gaining some weight then was so, SO sick!  I couldn't get out of bed for more than a few minutes..and that was usually just to run to the bathroom and let it all out!  I was given medication from my doctor so I would be able to function though I still didn't feel like doing anything because I was still constantly nauseous.  I was 185 after Gage and Taya were born.  

After my six weeks, I began an small exercise routine.  Then I found out I was pregnant.  I had so many emotions going through me that exercising was the last thing I wanted to think about!  About halfway through my pregnancy I began to come to terms with it.  However, I was warned to take it easy.  Yes, exercise was good but I should not begin a rigorous exercise program because I hadn't been doing it so my body wasn't used to it, and my body was still fragile from having just had babies.  I was 205 after Haylee and Peyton were born.  My doctor has done extensive research into the rebuilding of the body/uterus after having had a c-section.  He was very, VERY intent on the 3 month waiting period before lifting, doing ab work, or anything that would weaken my uterus and could cause it to split.  That scared me..so I wouldn't do any of those exercises.

So after my 3 month hiatus, that still leaves me 6 months before I got pregnant again..and for those 6 months, I have no excuses!  (well except for the 4 infants I was taking care of...)  But I didn't work out much..except for taking walks..and that was rare.  Cory and I moved twice in those months and though where we ended up was where we wanted, there were a lot of stress factors during that time that just did NOT help my frame of mind for concentrating on losing weight.  I did lose some weight then I got pregnant.  I was even more emotional about this one.  And my thoughts and emotions lasted up until Alexis was born.  I was 215 after she was born.  Again, I had a c-section and didn't want to begin weight lifting or stomach workouts until after the 3 month period.  

I started to gain weight from not working out..and was 220.  I started working out and actually lost 5 pounds in a week..having only done my workout for two days.  But it didn't last long.  I have really WANTED to lose all the weight, but I am too scared to actually try.  I have always heard that no matter how much weight you lose, or how skinny you get, you will never actually have your pre-baby body back..the pre-baby weight is possible, but the body changes and you can't fix that.  That terrifies me!  I want my old body back!  (I even want the body I had when I met Cory..the one I was unhappy with at the time!)  I have always thought it wasn't possible so why try.

I have since gained weight and I am currently 233.  My pants are a size 20.  My tops are XXL.  I know I am overweight but I don't think I look 233..and Cory's face was actually shocked the first time he saw it on the scale (and if you know Cory, you know he can't fake it!)    I am very unhappy with my looks now.  I don't go out of my way to talk to people..which really is NOT my personality!  I love meeting new people and making new friends..but not now..not being self-conscious!  I am unhappy with my life..the life of a stay-at-home mom is not one I ever planned for myself..ever!  I don't do as good of a job as I know I can do.  It goes back to my being unhappy with myself.  It's all a  big cycle!  One affects the other..and that one affects the other..and it goes on and back and forth..but no more!  Today I wake up..and I am READY!

I figure if I make this blog..even if no one reads it..I will have to be accountable.  I will come on each night and blog about my workout (s) and food.  Now, we don't eat that bad..we are constantly having fruits and veggies..and rarely snack.  My biggest problem with food is portion control.  I will get a portioned size dinner..eat it..then get a second...and stop to do ten things for the kids..then realize I'm not hungry anymore.  I don't want to waste the food so I eat it..even though I can feel it making me sick!  Well..that's just going to have to stop!  If I waste food..so be it!  My health is more important!

In this crazy house of 5 kids under 3 years old, I have got to find some me time!  I do a lot with my kids..but we do a lot of crafty, artsy things.  Those things are easy for me.  But I want to play tag with them for longer than a 10-15 minute spurt of time.  I want to be able to chase these crazies all over the yard for as long as they want.  I need to find this happiness inside of me so that I can find more enjoyment in them.  I don't want to be this shy girl forever.  I don't want my kids to be embarrassed of me as they get older.  I don't want them to think it's okay to be unhealthy.  I want them to be active, social, happy, functioning members of a society..as I am none of those at this moment in time!  My kids don't understand that there are some overweight people or skinny people..or what's normal or average.  But in the next few years they will.  I know our generation of kids will have more than enough things on their minds and I don't want to add another one!

I would love to get down to a 120..but I am actually not too concerned with that number.  I am more concerned with getting into a size 6.  So today is the day..today is day one!  Wish me luck!!!